'That Girl' strikes again...

We all know who we are, for the most part anyway. As you grow up and grow wiser I think shades of yourself reveal themselves along the way. They might have always been there, but you weren't accustomed to knowing them until you past a certain point in your life, overcame an obstacle, achieved a goal, moved past a hurt, or celebrated a victory. I like to think that God has a big diagram for each person that he holds on tight to so he can keep up with each of us. And as we grow, he fills in each square or bubble of the chart and his plan for us is revealed more and more as the chart fills up and time goes on. It sorta looks like a tree diagram, or maybe a flow chart? But it shows your growth along the way and each winding turn you take develops another part of who you are within God's work. A couple of weeks ago I celebrated another year and shared a bit about myself as 'that girl'... It was funny that I chose to share that particular insight to myself because I don't often dive that deep into the conversations I have in the privacy of my own brain. For one, because if I do, I fear people will write me off as a loon. And two, mental ramblings are really not pc topics of conversations while dropping kids off in carpool lines or out at the soccer fields. But I decided, what the heck!! That's who I am... loon or not! So, like I said, I am that girl who has conversations with herself.  In my mind I talk to myself and carry on a mental debate practically 18 hours out of a 24 hour day. Like, 'Oh come on Abbey, don't be that girl who worries about what people say when you leave the room, its just a self-centered worry!!' Or 'Really Abbey? Your that girl who can't remember her 5 item list of groceries without having the written paper in front of you as you go down the aisles, what are you 82??'

{seriously... I always have like at least 4 lists going at all times}

Sometimes I get antsy when I see myself repeating an old pattern and feeling a certain way about circumstances that I know are ridiculous. But I can't help feeling that way because it's a part of who I am. The insecurity that runs through my mind when I reach out to someone, or the cranky anxious feeling I have when I know we have to be somewhere in 30 minutes and I have like 5 more things to get ready before we can all head out the door. I am learning to embrace these things and turn them into strengths for myself, but I can't say that it's been easy! We are who we are, good or bad. But what I am finding out is that even though we all may change and evolve along the way the core of you remains the same. It's the little bumps you go over as an individual and the hills you climb throughout your life that either turn your core into something fabulous or something less than awesome. And no matter how hard you try, you can't copy someone else's diagram... God's not cool with that!!! Believe me, I've tried... yea, I'm that girl who tries to emulate others too!!! Never in a million years would I have thought I would be able to fully own who I am. Growing up I struggled to identify my feelings (good and bad). And if you told me I'd be able to be so open with my feelings and outwardly own my faults and my successes... forget about it, I would have probably called you a loon!!! That just wasn't this girl growing up. I guess I hadn't gone through enough to see that part of my diagram yet!!

 I am still the girl who would rather stuff her emotions down, not bring up her feelings and go on like everything is peachy keen! But I can't let that girl win, for my peace of mind that just can't happen. I have to open up and be me... no matter if insecurity lingers and anxious anger creeps up!! Today I found myself dreading the day ahead, realizing that yet again I was that girl who agreed to too much and had to be all over town and back again before 3pm. I was mad at myself for not being more prepared, cause yes... I am that girl that procrastinates on everything and waits until the last minute all too often. I was anxious about the things I wasn't getting done.  I moved on with my day and got it all done. It wasn't the most fantastic day but it definitely wasn't the worst day either. It was one more day that showed me that being 'that girl' isn't so bad.

I find comfort in hoping that God's got me all mapped out. I may still have some spots left in my flow chart to fill up, and I look forward to moving through MY life to finish out God's personal diagram for me. I will learn to quell the conversations in my mind and turn them into yet another hurdle to move past. I will breathe deep as anxiety snuggles up and tries to throw a kink in my outlook. It's all I can do, I am 'that girl'. No one else can be her and I can't trade her in for a different model. In fact even if I could, I don't think I would.  I sorta like her flow and how her map reads!!

Yeah... I'll take being that girl again tomorrow, she's my kinda girl!!!

Always - Abbey