Friday, May 10, 2013

WARNING: Does Not Test Well

Waiting is not my strong suit. 
Patience isn't always my first inclination. 
Reading through things, paying attention to the small print, and taking the time to check my work... not things I always remember to do or even choose to do most of the time. 
I often rush through things just to get them done and forget to enjoy the process. I don't test well, and I definitely don't do well waiting to see how things unfold or work themselves out. As a kid this meant struggling to enjoy school, begrudgingly participating in situations that didn't 'fit' with what I deemed necessary and basically half ass-ing it through projects, jobs, and even relationships because I just didn't know any better. As an adult that has meant I have learned lessons the hard way. As a young Mom I really lost all sense of self and panicked through most of our first born's infant days. It was just supposed to be easy, so I thought. Well... It wasn't easy. It wasn't natural. I didn't immediately feel that "Hallmark" moment of the mother cradling her child in a rocking chair in the middle of the night, knowing this is what she was meant to do. Over the years, through many ups and downs I have settled into my 'mommy-ness' quite nicely (if I do say so myself). But I'll admit,  I sometimes look back with sadness that at the times I didn't have it in me to see that what I was going through was just a stage that should have been savored not stressed about. Or in that moment that was hard, seemingly unbearable, it was just a stepping stone for me to learn from, not hurry through hoping for it to end as soon as possible. 
Hindsight is always 20/20. 
Knowing what I know now could always have helped me then... 
Those are things I used to hold true to.
Now, after some soul searching, I like to think that I've realized that looking back (even with perfect vision) really doesn't do a lick of good. The knowledge you gain as you go is given to you for a reason and not a moment earlier because life isn't a test that has a definite set of answers. Believe me, I have tried to keep the same skill set and apply it to multiple situations and failed miserably. Not to say I don't still impatiently try to rush through moments and loose all sense of enjoying the process of things rather than trying to shape situations to my liking. But I am much more aware of who I am now, I love where I am now as a woman and as a Mother. And I don't think I could be here and as settled in me if I hadn't been who I was then. 
I might not test well... but I damn well learn from each test given.
I was lucky enough to be gifted the above book "Unglued" by a sweet friend. It is a great glimpse into looking at yourself, seeing your personal process and adjusting it to allow for 'imperfect progress' throughout life's ups and downs. I think what I am taking away from this read is that every opportunity, good or bad, hard or easy is a chance to choose your attitude. And if in the moment, you choose to loose it and go crazy... learn from it. Grow out of that life test. That's the greatness of realizing progress can be imperfect... every test given allows for you to see your score and when you are retested you can choose to do better! 

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