Thursday, May 16, 2013

Controlled Chaos

Controlled chaos is basically an oxymoron. 
The two words mean complete opposites of each other, but yet they pretty much sum up how I feel most mornings from the minute the alarm clock goes off at 5:51am until I get the boys to school ending at 9am. And I'll admit sometimes the chaos seeps into my days after 9am too!!
Don't ask why my alarm is set for 5:51am instead of 5:45 or 5 or even 6am.... words won't make it make sense, all that matters is that in my head it works!! I have a time frame and task to be done for every 15 minute increment between the time when I wake up and the time when I drop off each boy. I control the chaos, I track it by 15 minute segments for goodness sake. Yet... why does it still frazzle me??? Every morning I climb close to the brink of letting the chaos overwhelm me. There are days I own it and rock those tasks way before my said 15 minute increment is up. But there are days when I look up and say 'OH CRAP'... I have done nothing and forget 15 minute increments, I need like 30 more minutes back in my morning!!! Sure... I could ask myself, why don't I wake up earlier? Why don't I pack lunches the night before? Or better yet, why do our boys feel the need to lay on the couch every morning, complain about being tired and refuse to get up to get dressed on school days but on days off they are bored and ready to leave the house by 7:15am??? 
This is my chaos, every morning. I control it... or maybe I just think I control it!?!?! 
Either way, what I have to remind myself is, it's not about the control so much as it is about the feelings that's created within the chaos. I try each day to add in kisses, hugs, winks, smiles and love into chaotic moments. I attempt to distract not only myself, but the boys and sometimes the hubs with jokes or a silly dance while we are rushing to brush teeth or put on shoes. 
Do I do this all the time... Um, Hells to the No!!! 
Today, I yelled instead of winking and laughing. 
I threw my hands up in surrender to the chaos... 
My 15 minute self timer was shot down and left ticking!! 
I didn't joke and I was not in the mood to dance!!!
But once we moved past the chaos of the morning, I did remind our boys that I am only human. I can only keep a smile on my face for so long before no amount of crazy dances will bring it back. That's just a part of life... one that I think we forget to talk about. Everyone has a breaking point, even if they don't admit it. Our boys see me handle the good and they see me handle the bad. I pray that it leads them to see that imperfections are part of life. I hope they see that even the best laid plans get messed up and that's ok. We move on, we get up and make the best of it. 
Most days won't go as we anticipate, no matter how hard we try to control them! 
Amidst chaos comes the chance to change and let go, do better! 
This verse was part of my daily devotional today... 

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

Just the reminder I needed... I don't control anything, even if I think I do! 
Chaotic or not... 
His plan is always greater than mine.

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