Controlled Chaos

Controlled chaos is basically an oxymoron. 

The two words mean complete opposites of each other, but yet they pretty much sum up how I feel most mornings from the minute the alarm clock goes off at 5:51am until I get the boys to school ending at 9am. And I'll admit sometimes the chaos seeps into my days after 9am too!!

Don't ask why my alarm is set for 5:51am instead of 5:45 or 5 or even 6am.... words won't make it make sense, all that matters is that in my head it works!! I have a time frame and task to be done for every 15 minute increment between the time when I wake up and the time when I drop off each boy. I control the chaos, I track it by 15 minute segments for goodness sake. Yet... why does it still frazzle me??? Every morning I climb close to the brink of letting the chaos overwhelm me. There are days I own it and rock those tasks way before my said 15 minute increment is up. But there are days when I look up and say 'OH CRAP'... I have done nothing and forget 15 minute increments, I need like 30 more minutes back in my morning!!! Sure... I could ask myself, why don't I wake up earlier? Why don't I pack lunches the night before? Or better yet, why do our boys feel the need to lay on the couch every morning, complain about being tired and refuse to get up to get dressed on school days but on days off they are bored and ready to leave the house by 7:15am??? 

This is my chaos, every morning. I control it... or maybe I just think I control it!?!?! 

Either way, what I have to remind myself is, it's not about the control so much as it is about the feelings that's created within the chaos. I try each day to add in kisses, hugs, winks, smiles and love into chaotic moments. I attempt to distract not only myself, but the boys and sometimes the hubs with jokes or a silly dance while we are rushing to brush teeth or put on shoes. 

Do I do this all the time... Um, Hells to the No!!! 

Today, I yelled instead of winking and laughing. 

I threw my hands up in surrender to the chaos... 

My 15 minute self timer was shot down and left ticking!! 

I didn't joke and I was not in the mood to dance!!!

But once we moved past the chaos of the morning, I did remind our boys that I am only human. I can only keep a smile on my face for so long before no amount of crazy dances will bring it back. That's just a part of life... one that I think we forget to talk about. Everyone has a breaking point, even if they don't admit it. Our boys see me handle the good and they see me handle the bad. I pray that it leads them to see that imperfections are part of life. I hope they see that even the best laid plans get messed up and that's ok. We move on, we get up and make the best of it. 

Most days won't go as we anticipate, no matter how hard we try to control them! 

Amidst chaos comes the chance to change and let go, do better! 

This verse was part of my daily devotional today... 

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

Just the reminder I needed... I don't control anything, even if I think I do! 

Good. 

Bad. 

Dancing.

Yelling.

Chaotic or not... 

His plan is always greater than mine.

WARNING: Does Not Test Well

Waiting is not my strong suit. 

Patience isn't always my first inclination. 

Reading through things, paying attention to the small print, and taking the time to check my work... not things I always remember to do or even choose to do most of the time. 

I often rush through things just to get them done and forget to enjoy the process. I don't test well, and I definitely don't do well waiting to see how things unfold or work themselves out. As a kid this meant struggling to enjoy school, begrudgingly participating in situations that didn't 'fit' with what I deemed necessary and basically half ass-ing it through projects, jobs, and even relationships because I just didn't know any better. As an adult that has meant I have learned lessons the hard way. As a young Mom I really lost all sense of self and panicked through most of our first born's infant days. It was just supposed to be easy, so I thought. Well... It wasn't easy. It wasn't natural. I didn't immediately feel that "Hallmark" moment of the mother cradling her child in a rocking chair in the middle of the night, knowing this is what she was meant to do. Over the years, through many ups and downs I have settled into my 'mommy-ness' quite nicely (if I do say so myself). But I'll admit,  I sometimes look back with sadness that at the times I didn't have it in me to see that what I was going through was just a stage that should have been savored not stressed about. Or in that moment that was hard, seemingly unbearable, it was just a stepping stone for me to learn from, not hurry through hoping for it to end as soon as possible. 

Hindsight is always 20/20. 

Knowing what I know now could always have helped me then... 

Those are things I used to hold true to.

Now, after some soul searching, I like to think that I've realized that looking back (even with perfect vision) really doesn't do a lick of good. The knowledge you gain as you go is given to you for a reason and not a moment earlier because life isn't a test that has a definite set of answers. Believe me, I have tried to keep the same skill set and apply it to multiple situations and failed miserably. Not to say I don't still impatiently try to rush through moments and loose all sense of enjoying the process of things rather than trying to shape situations to my liking. But I am much more aware of who I am now, I love where I am now as a woman and as a Mother. And I don't think I could be here and as settled in me if I hadn't been who I was then. 

I might not test well... but I damn well learn from each test given.

I was lucky enough to be gifted the above book "Unglued" by a sweet friend. It is a great glimpse into looking at yourself, seeing your personal process and adjusting it to allow for 'imperfect progress' throughout life's ups and downs. I think what I am taking away from this read is that every opportunity, good or bad, hard or easy is a chance to choose your attitude. And if in the moment, you choose to loose it and go crazy... learn from it. Grow out of that life test. That's the greatness of realizing progress can be imperfect... every test given allows for you to see your score and when you are retested you can choose to do better! 

#Mommaprobs (things i love)

I'm often caught by surprise by the things that I love about being a Mom....

Like when our boys leave a random soccer ball on the floorboard in the back seat and I catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of my eye while driving, and I almost wreck because I think there's a creeper behind me about to abduct me!

Or when I am sitting in the front room working and I hear the weirdest cracking or chomping noise come from one of the boy's bedrooms, and knowing that I am the only one home, I begin to sweat and look around for a weapon... only to find the Beast (aka our dog) going to town on a bowl full of chips left on little man's bed!

And then there is the ever growing mismatched sock pile taking over the top of my dryer, some brand new socks mind you... and on a random afternoon I go into the back yard to refill the bird feeder and find 2 socks stuffed in the back corner of the fence under a pile of leaves!

Oh... And let's not forget the biweekly wake up calls at 4am with a whisper and a little spit-ish morning breath mixed in 2 inches from my face... because they have to go to the bathroom or need a drink of water!

For real though, it's jarring sometimes how much these 2 little humans have uprooted and changed my life. When they reach for my hand, call out my name just to say they love me before they go to sleep, and especially when they look at me with their ever different, but equally enchanting eyes... I just ache with love. 

The purpose they give me can never be mistaken. 

The lessons they have taught me far exceeds a classroom.

 By being their Mom, I have been made whole.