Doubt

I've been stewing on this post for quite some time now. I feel it weighting in my heart, so heavy that sometimes I pause to breath it in a bit deeper as to try and make heads or tails of it. Doubt... We all do it, we all have it, and inevitably we all pass it on to those we know, and often enough those we love the most! It can be as easy as daily doubt that creeps in when you want to try something new or see something you could have done better. Or it can be that extended doubled over doubt that hits you between the eyes, staying with you longer than you wanted or even care to think about! This is what I have been carrying with me for a while... doubt! It comes in other forms and fashions, hides itself in a costume of other words that sometimes seem more positive, productive, but more that not are more troubling... concern, worry, anticipation, intimidation, fear, insecurity. For me, no matter how you dress it up or try to mask it, it all grows from and settles into one word for me, doubt. Doubt that I am good enough, worthy, up to par, brave enough to take that step, make that leap into something I want or desire for someone I care about! In my life I feel like I have been forever trying to fit in, fighting to protect those that I love and I constantly felt that worried need about things I hope for or long to be a part of. Maybe some or most people don't have that shiver within them and they can march forward through their lives without doubt or without a nervous backward glance to see if you can catch a peek of what just happened, and see if it measured up... but for me it's just not the case. I am a wonderer, a person who over thinks, over feels, extends herself (nervously), all the while thinking is this ok? Will it pan out, can I do this, do I want to do this, what will others think of me, can this be where things finally come together or will I be left wanting?!

Don't mistake my rambling as unhappiness or unthankful selfishness... my life is full of sweetness, more that I can put into words. I have been blessed with so much more that I ever thought I could be in my 36 years. But with anything that you love and want to cherish, there is strife and a longing to protect it... Doubt that you can preserve it and worry that you will do right by it!

Last Sunday so many things and words jumped out at me... both calming my heavy heart and adding to it's stirring! We always read the week's scriptures on the drive to church, a weekly tradition that my hubby started and that I am so thankful for! It gives us all a moment to take in the words of our God at a quiet time and allows us to chat about it if we want, or just sit in stillness, pre-soaking it into our minds before we hear it again on a larger scale. These words from the Gospel of Matthew struck me, reminded me and showed me that I am not alone in my doubt....

'The eleven disciples went to Galilee to the Mountain in which Jesus ordered. They saw him, they worshipped, but they doubted.'

Even in the midst of greatness, of pure love... they doubted. They didn't trust what was right before them, reaching out to them with open arms!!! Man... second guessing has been around for a long time! Ha! But really, these few words calmed me! Knowing that I am not alone, whether it's in the midst of a heap of self doubt or in something as trivial as trying out a new shirt and seeing someone else sporting the same style... knowing that someone is in the same boat works wonders to calm this girl's nerves! Maybe it's that reassurance that I am not an odd ball or it's the fact that misery loves company... either way I am all about not being alone with my worry or isolated in my doubt! As soon as I can latch on to something, someone, words of encouragement, song lyrics of praise or pride... I feel immensely more sound. I literally can feel my doubt load get a bit lighter for the time being! Basically, for me... I will take the leap, if I know other's are there jumping with me! Who doesn't want someone or something to look at and hold tight to when you are stepping off into the unknown...?

Later in that same day, as I was reading, I read this quote...

'I am dying of thirst by the side of the fountain' - Charles D'Orleans

How much clearer could it be? Doubt comes to us all, whether we bring it upon ourselves, unknowingly give it to someone, or begrudgingly take it from another person... it's there! But what I was reminded of was that we all have that in which we need, it's just up to us to look at it... doubting or not, look at it and don't stop!!! Relying on self is something that this world doesn't make easy! There is always someone or something standing by to cut you down, pull you away, make you look away from what is really important in your life. I am guilty of relying too heavily on the thoughts and actions of others to steer my life's ship. In one fleeting word, from someone who hasn't got a clue about my life or doesn't even realize the impact they have, I can and have changed my course knowing I shouldn't... but inevitably do, and look back with regret! I can see it now, even as I type... and each time I say to myself, never again!!! I will not let the petty thoughts and actions of other's determine my worth. But here's the secret I have stumbled upon... it always happens again... to everyone... even if they say different! Even when we won't admit it, we have done something, tried to be someone and stumbled, either by our own fault, by following someone else's lead or both! We all have everything we need... a fountain full of thirst-quenching water to drink from, but we turn away from it and try to lap up drips of dry rain drops off the sidewalk because we have been told that's where our thirst will be quenched! Or better yet we think someone else's fountain is fuller, better, prettier, or more enticing!

To put it clearly, I don't want to just drink.... I want to dance in my own fountain! I am tired of looking at someone else to see myself. I want to know, even if I doubt it sometimes, that I am where I am supposed to be! I want to own my doubt and then turn it on it's ear!!! I want to leap head first at what I want, not look back and care less about who is watching or what they are thinking...

The same day that we went to church and I read the quote, I also sang these words...

'Let your mercy be on us, O God, as we place our trust in you' Psalms 33

Trust is what I am going for more than anything else! I want to trust in myself, and the plans God has for me! Even if I don't know where my road leads, I want to walk down it secure in myself! I know I will falter and I can tell you, straight up, that I will sometimes stand still and look around for guidance, hoping that someone else will take the lead. But there isn't a doubt in my head that I will give it my all... walking, leaping, singing, dancing, loving, and trusting every step of the way!!!

Always - Abbey