Sunday, August 25, 2013

Momma Jitters

The boys are playing quietly.
The backpacks and lunch boxes are laid out, ready to be filled in the morning.
Clothes have been picked, socks and shoes decided upon.
The house is calm, yet I can't stop moving...
I am not the one going back to school, yet I have a nervous belly just thinking about trying to go to sleep tonight.
Tomorrow, I send our big boy off to 4th grade, the last grade in this building that has been our school home for 5 years. 
And at the same time simultaneously send off our little man to embark upon Kindergarden...
His first full step into this monstrous building that, even now after walking the halls for the past 5 years, seems all new and unchartered territory for me!
I'm not starting a new school year, but yes...
I have the Momma Jitters.
I am thrilled to begin a new chapter in our team's book of life, yet if I was given the option to freeze time I would shout out...
 'Yes... let's press pause please, just so I can catch my breath!!!!'
I want to give our boys wings but also tuck a roadmap that will always lead to home in their pocket.
I want to cheer them on with both hands in the air, but secretly wave them back over and hug them longer.
I want to assure them that when they go out into the world they will be loved and embraced as fiercely as I love and embrace them, but also desperately want them to know that even if they aren't met with open arms and a loving hand they should still walk proud!
I want to allow our boys to make decisions, choose their way, fail miserably, succeed without even trying, and give all they have with all their hearts.
 I want to be there to remind them to have the wherewithal to pull themselves up off the ground if they get knocked down. 
And this is where the jitters set in, because it's hard to want all that for them knowing I won't be right by their sides tomorrow. 
It's hard to cheer and push and encourage from the background as they walk toward a new beginning alone.
As Mommas we are thread so close to them the minute they begin forming in our bellies...
How do we not fear that the thread will break, leaving our precious babies dangling and us to lose our connection, our fiber between us?
Just as I want and I worry and I pace with jitters, I also have a teary smile on my face because I know I have, along with my hubby done all we can to prep and build and emotionally 'beef up' our boys for the world they are entering tomorrow.
With or without us they are going to go into tomorrow and own it in their own way.
It's not that they don't need us or won't want and wish we were there with them as much as we want to be there ourselves. What I try to tell myself is that it's more of divine timing...
 In that they have been loved on and talked through just the right amount of their lives with us beside them faithfully, and it's now time for them to begin their walk of fame.
Whether we all have jitters or just I do... 
Something within me assures me that it's their time to show off all that they have grasped and engrained in themselves during their precious years with us as Mommas and Daddies.
It's their time to shine and show the world who they are without us!!
It's a good thing... I know it is.
Just as much as I have jitters, I also have twice as much faith in the road our boys are traveling through the grace given to them on a daily basis.
I know that even if my eyes aren't on them, His eyes are.
I know that even if my hand isn't there to reach out, His hand is.
I know that even if my arms aren't there to hold them, His arms are.
They had His hold upon them long before I did, so I graciously give them back!

Go out and shine my sweet boys... 
Tomorrow is Yours, go show 'em what you got!

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