Monday, March 16, 2015

Lead Me

Do you ever feel led? Pulled toward something or someone? Has a thought or word lay on your heart so heavy that it just repeats endlessly within you? I have had words on repeat in my head for more than a week now and they resonate so loud that I have to give pause to my day to just sit and take them in over and over again...
When I heard this song I immediately cried. I know I am a sap... 
Admittedly so I cry at commercials, songs, movies. 
When I talk about said movies, songs and commercials, I cry. 
I am a crier.... I digress.
But this was a different cry, it was a visceral cry. One that came on without thought or notice. It over took me like wind that hits you when you turn the corner from walking around a tall building in the winter. It still takes my breath away just thinking the words or whispering the words to myself.
I have felt led before... Led to my husband. I always said, and still say there was just something about him. I know people say that all the time, but there was. He was for me, and I him. 
Led. I was led to being a mom... maybe not willingly at first, I doubted the heck out of my ability but I do feel like God was leading me through and to both of our boys. Led.
But this is a weirder leading... it's subtle and thought provoking. It is one that I feel more sturdy in. A leading that I may not fully understand but don't feel panicked about or worried I won't be able to fufill or follow.  Usually if I feel a goal set before me or a challenge laid in my midst I will stew and fret over it. 
{Hello OCD plus major procrastinator, have you met? I am sure you know each other well.}
But this time I can tell that this passion brewing isn't mine to mull over... I truly feel like He is in control. I am excited and anxious but not overwhelmed. I feel my faith getting stronger and I know that I hear a call. To what? I haven't a clue...
But that's the beauty, I don't have to have a clue. God has them all and in His time they will be presented to me and for me. I just have to have the patience and discipline to wait and watch and be ready when the next clue is given.

Tomorrow I was asked to speak at a MOPS meeting about 'Being Brave.' Me... the girl who can put on a brave face in front of others but loses it when she is by herself for too long. Needless to say I am honored and terrified. There are so many things swimming in my mind that I want to say. I mean, can I just pull up a chair and pour a cup of coffee and share stories about my fears, failures, successes, and hard learned lessons for hours?!?! You're damn right I can. But who in their right mind would stick around for that? All the ladies would be like, who is this nut job they brought in to talk? 
Either way, I have prepped and prayed and procrastinated my fair share of shaping this 'brave' talk I am supposed to give, and I think I'm good to go? But I can't help and wonder if this is a clue of what's been stirring inside? Could this be a step toward more of what I am being lead to do? I don't know and really I don't want to guess one way or another. I just pray to be led. To talk and share without fear or hesitation. 
To embrace whatever is being placed before me with open eyes, ears and arms.

Trusting without Borders... It's a good thing.

Friday, January 16, 2015

She called MY Name!

This past weekend I went to a fun run with friends, one that we have been to for the past couple of years. Nothing new, nothing exciting or nerve racking (other than I haven't run, run in like 6months). But as we were standing there waiting to start a girl started to do a warm up for the crowd. A girl I have known for years. She is super big in the fitness industry, super fit, super pretty... like looks like Fergie pretty, and someone I totally girl crush on. Moving on... We were warming up. No biggie, but then she say's, this pretty, awesomely fit girl on the stage says, "Hey... Where's Abbey Lewis, I thought I saw her face somewhere?!?!' Ummm... Hello... She called my name! She CALLED my freggin Name!!! Of course I jumped up and down, might have done a half high kick and proceeded to rock on with the warm up, feeling a tad more important and worthy!!! Uhhh....
Why does that make me feel worthy? How come that added like ten extra beats to my heart rate and put a bigger smile on my face?? Ok, ok.. I know I am being super detailed and hard on myself, but I am also being honest! I felt like 'more' after she gave me a shout out. And what is even worse is I know this about myself and no matter how much inner work I do, I still put way too much emphasis on others and how they view me, befriend me, reach out to me, or notice me. I cringe just typing that. I am that girl.. Like I've posted about before and even though I attempt to move past it, that girl who looks for purpose outside of herself before within herself always creeps back... I'd like to punch her in the face if I am being honest.
Time and time again I am reminded in scripture that the only voice we should yearn to hear call our name is our Lord's. We are taught to turn to His works for glory and reassurance. God even says in Isaiah 43:1 'I have called you by name, you are mine.' That should be enough. That should get me to do a high kick like every stinkin day, right? I couldn't be further from a high kick on most days, let me tell ya. When I feel lead to seek notice from others more that I do God or even myself, I know that I am heading down a path that is going to lead me every which way but right. Don't get me wrong, getting a shout out from a Fergie looking, fitness queen who is an old friend is a great thing but it shouldn't be the only thing. Joy comes from within. No one can make you happy until you are happy with yourself. I have seen first hand how awesome this is by just taking time to be within myself every day. I write, I post pics, I share myself with others and its then and only then that I am truly reminded of my worth. I know this.... But why do I forget? God knows my name every day, every minute and he whispers it to me even when I am not listening. Do I always jump up and down when I hear him? Sadly, no I don't. But I should. Better yet, when I don't hear him, does that mean I should completely stop all that I've done over the years to grow? That should be a huge, no. But at times I do stop. I pull back, I doubt and I quit giving of myself. I think naturally we all do this, its a self preservation tactic. Yet, just as easily as I do quit, something reminds me to mentally punch 'that girl' in the face. It doesn't always happen right away, honestly it took me over a week to even write this post! See... slowly punching.. But why? I haven't a clue!!! Other than I doubted that writing would even help. But is so does! As I type I feel 'that girl' getting shoved further and further away and my real self doing a little inner high kick! By Grace alone I get a chance to listen for His call every day. I may still really dig getting a shout out from someone I admire but I am seeing that girl who relies upon that shout out show up less and less in my life. She's a cool girl and all but I think deep down she knows she's got it all wrong...

Call your own name... Listen to the Lord call you His... Do a high kick every freggin day just because you are you, and God knows you inside and out... And than is enough!!!