Thursday, September 26, 2013


I struggle. I doubt and worry and fret and stress... I struggle. I struggle to feel good enough and yet shy away from accolades or compliments when they are given. I struggle to quiet the stream of senseless chatter in my head throughout my day.... Will I have time for this? What do you think they meant by that? Am I going to be late? Why did I add that to my day? Should I have said that? How am I going to get all of this done? I Struggle. Being alone with myself can be 9 times out of 10 gloriously peaceful, but that 10th time can overshadow all of the other 9 with the amount of over thinking and over planning that takes place. I struggle with wanting things perfect but don't know what perfect is or looks like. I struggle with wanting to do it all (perfectly) and come down harder on myself than anyone could guess when I fall short. Falling short to standards no one put on me but me. I Struggle. I worry about what others think even if they have assured me that my acceptance is a given. I struggle with being enough for myself. Even though I may shy away from praise, I yearn for it but fail to ever give it to myself. I Struggle. Fear seeps in and tells me that I am the only person that thinks this way. Yet I know that I am not alone, but being told time and time again we all have feelings of doubt does nothing to help my struggle lessen. I don't embrace the company that comes with knowing everyone feels this way. I Struggle.
I saw this sign the other day at our son's school. It was in the copy room hanging on the inside of the door. It gave me pause. It brought forth the laundry list of all my worries, stresses, short comings, failures.... It made me think of my struggles. Not in a bad way, but in a way that turned a light on inside my heart as a reminder. We all struggle. We all need something. We all fall short and forget to pick ourselves back up. For most of my life I thought your sum total was made up of all your errors and the successes in your life were only there as a way to pay penance for all the wrong you caused or did or took part in. A pretty backward way of thinking, don't you think? Walking around only doing good to pay for the bad. Feeling like the struggle always overshadowed the peace and happiness in life. Call it Grace or sheer Will to do better, I don't think that way anymore. Yes, I still struggle. I still fail and doubt my goodness, but I feel submerged in a place of peace. Every day I 'take what I need' by feeding my soul with goodness. When I doubt I read scripture or find quotes to reaffirm my faith. When I fear the worst in life I journal the goodness that surrounds me. When I second guess myself or those around me I listen to music to set a different beat in my mind. When I struggle I can hear Him say to me... 'Take what you need, I am here to give it to you'. I didn't always hear God's words in this way. It took a long time to reteach myself that His Grace is there first and always, not because you did enough good deeds to earn it but because he promised it would be. I struggle but He struggles with me. I doubt and He reassures me. I fail and He gives me another chance. I fear and He calms me. All I had to learn to do was 'take what I needed'.

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