Friday, January 16, 2015

She called MY Name!

This past weekend I went to a fun run with friends, one that we have been to for the past couple of years. Nothing new, nothing exciting or nerve racking (other than I haven't run, run in like 6months). But as we were standing there waiting to start a girl started to do a warm up for the crowd. A girl I have known for years. She is super big in the fitness industry, super fit, super pretty... like looks like Fergie pretty, and someone I totally girl crush on. Moving on... We were warming up. No biggie, but then she say's, this pretty, awesomely fit girl on the stage says, "Hey... Where's Abbey Lewis, I thought I saw her face somewhere?!?!' Ummm... Hello... She called my name! She CALLED my freggin Name!!! Of course I jumped up and down, might have done a half high kick and proceeded to rock on with the warm up, feeling a tad more important and worthy!!! Uhhh....
Why does that make me feel worthy? How come that added like ten extra beats to my heart rate and put a bigger smile on my face?? Ok, ok.. I know I am being super detailed and hard on myself, but I am also being honest! I felt like 'more' after she gave me a shout out. And what is even worse is I know this about myself and no matter how much inner work I do, I still put way too much emphasis on others and how they view me, befriend me, reach out to me, or notice me. I cringe just typing that. I am that girl.. Like I've posted about before and even though I attempt to move past it, that girl who looks for purpose outside of herself before within herself always creeps back... I'd like to punch her in the face if I am being honest.
Time and time again I am reminded in scripture that the only voice we should yearn to hear call our name is our Lord's. We are taught to turn to His works for glory and reassurance. God even says in Isaiah 43:1 'I have called you by name, you are mine.' That should be enough. That should get me to do a high kick like every stinkin day, right? I couldn't be further from a high kick on most days, let me tell ya. When I feel lead to seek notice from others more that I do God or even myself, I know that I am heading down a path that is going to lead me every which way but right. Don't get me wrong, getting a shout out from a Fergie looking, fitness queen who is an old friend is a great thing but it shouldn't be the only thing. Joy comes from within. No one can make you happy until you are happy with yourself. I have seen first hand how awesome this is by just taking time to be within myself every day. I write, I post pics, I share myself with others and its then and only then that I am truly reminded of my worth. I know this.... But why do I forget? God knows my name every day, every minute and he whispers it to me even when I am not listening. Do I always jump up and down when I hear him? Sadly, no I don't. But I should. Better yet, when I don't hear him, does that mean I should completely stop all that I've done over the years to grow? That should be a huge, no. But at times I do stop. I pull back, I doubt and I quit giving of myself. I think naturally we all do this, its a self preservation tactic. Yet, just as easily as I do quit, something reminds me to mentally punch 'that girl' in the face. It doesn't always happen right away, honestly it took me over a week to even write this post! See... slowly punching.. But why? I haven't a clue!!! Other than I doubted that writing would even help. But is so does! As I type I feel 'that girl' getting shoved further and further away and my real self doing a little inner high kick! By Grace alone I get a chance to listen for His call every day. I may still really dig getting a shout out from someone I admire but I am seeing that girl who relies upon that shout out show up less and less in my life. She's a cool girl and all but I think deep down she knows she's got it all wrong...

Call your own name... Listen to the Lord call you His... Do a high kick every freggin day just because you are you, and God knows you inside and out... And than is enough!!!

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