Lead Me

Do you ever feel led? Pulled toward something or someone? Has a thought or word lay on your heart so heavy that it just repeats endlessly within you? I have had words on repeat in my head for more than a week now and they resonate so loud that I have to give pause to my day to just sit and take them in over and over again...

When I heard this song I immediately cried. I know I am a sap... 

Admittedly so I cry at commercials, songs, movies. 

When I talk about said movies, songs and commercials, I cry. 

I am a crier.... I digress.

But this was a different cry, it was a visceral cry. One that came on without thought or notice. It over took me like wind that hits you when you turn the corner from walking around a tall building in the winter. It still takes my breath away just thinking the words or whispering the words to myself.

I have felt led before... Led to my husband. I always said, and still say there was just something about him. I know people say that all the time, but there was. He was for me, and I him. 

Led. I was led to being a mom... maybe not willingly at first, I doubted the heck out of my ability but I do feel like God was leading me through and to both of our boys. Led.

But this is a weirder leading... it's subtle and thought provoking. It is one that I feel more sturdy in. A leading that I may not fully understand but don't feel panicked about or worried I won't be able to fufill or follow.  Usually if I feel a goal set before me or a challenge laid in my midst I will stew and fret over it. 

{Hello OCD plus major procrastinator, have you met? I am sure you know each other well.}

But this time I can tell that this passion brewing isn't mine to mull over... I truly feel like He is in control. I am excited and anxious but not overwhelmed. I feel my faith getting stronger and I know that I hear a call. To what? I haven't a clue...

But that's the beauty, I don't have to have a clue. God has them all and in His time they will be presented to me and for me. I just have to have the patience and discipline to wait and watch and be ready when the next clue is given.

Tomorrow I was asked to speak at a MOPS meeting about 'Being Brave.' Me... the girl who can put on a brave face in front of others but loses it when she is by herself for too long. Needless to say I am honored and terrified. There are so many things swimming in my mind that I want to say. I mean, can I just pull up a chair and pour a cup of coffee and share stories about my fears, failures, successes, and hard learned lessons for hours?!?! You're damn right I can. But who in their right mind would stick around for that? All the ladies would be like, who is this nut job they brought in to talk? 

Either way, I have prepped and prayed and procrastinated my fair share of shaping this 'brave' talk I am supposed to give, and I think I'm good to go? But I can't help and wonder if this is a clue of what's been stirring inside? Could this be a step toward more of what I am being lead to do? I don't know and really I don't want to guess one way or another. I just pray to be led. To talk and share without fear or hesitation. 

To embrace whatever is being placed before me with open eyes, ears and arms.

Trusting without Borders... It's a good thing.

She called MY Name!

This past weekend I went to a fun run with friends, one that we have been to for the past couple of years. Nothing new, nothing exciting or nerve racking (other than I haven't run, run in like 6months). But as we were standing there waiting to start a girl started to do a warm up for the crowd. A girl I have known for years. She is super big in the fitness industry, super fit, super pretty... like looks like Fergie pretty, and someone I totally girl crush on. Moving on... We were warming up. No biggie, but then she say's, this pretty, awesomely fit girl on the stage says, "Hey... Where's Abbey Lewis, I thought I saw her face somewhere?!?!' Ummm... Hello... She called my name! She CALLED my freggin Name!!! Of course I jumped up and down, might have done a half high kick and proceeded to rock on with the warm up, feeling a tad more important and worthy!!! Uhhh....
Why does that make me feel worthy? How come that added like ten extra beats to my heart rate and put a bigger smile on my face?? Ok, ok.. I know I am being super detailed and hard on myself, but I am also being honest! I felt like 'more' after she gave me a shout out. And what is even worse is I know this about myself and no matter how much inner work I do, I still put way too much emphasis on others and how they view me, befriend me, reach out to me, or notice me. I cringe just typing that. I am that girl.. Like I've posted about before and even though I attempt to move past it, that girl who looks for purpose outside of herself before within herself always creeps back... I'd like to punch her in the face if I am being honest.
Time and time again I am reminded in scripture that the only voice we should yearn to hear call our name is our Lord's. We are taught to turn to His works for glory and reassurance. God even says in Isaiah 43:1 'I have called you by name, you are mine.' That should be enough. That should get me to do a high kick like every stinkin day, right? I couldn't be further from a high kick on most days, let me tell ya. When I feel lead to seek notice from others more that I do God or even myself, I know that I am heading down a path that is going to lead me every which way but right. Don't get me wrong, getting a shout out from a Fergie looking, fitness queen who is an old friend is a great thing but it shouldn't be the only thing. Joy comes from within. No one can make you happy until you are happy with yourself. I have seen first hand how awesome this is by just taking time to be within myself every day. I write, I post pics, I share myself with others and its then and only then that I am truly reminded of my worth. I know this.... But why do I forget? God knows my name every day, every minute and he whispers it to me even when I am not listening. Do I always jump up and down when I hear him? Sadly, no I don't. But I should. Better yet, when I don't hear him, does that mean I should completely stop all that I've done over the years to grow? That should be a huge, no. But at times I do stop. I pull back, I doubt and I quit giving of myself. I think naturally we all do this, its a self preservation tactic. Yet, just as easily as I do quit, something reminds me to mentally punch 'that girl' in the face. It doesn't always happen right away, honestly it took me over a week to even write this post! See... slowly punching.. But why? I haven't a clue!!! Other than I doubted that writing would even help. But is so does! As I type I feel 'that girl' getting shoved further and further away and my real self doing a little inner high kick! By Grace alone I get a chance to listen for His call every day. I may still really dig getting a shout out from someone I admire but I am seeing that girl who relies upon that shout out show up less and less in my life. She's a cool girl and all but I think deep down she knows she's got it all wrong...

Call your own name... Listen to the Lord call you His... Do a high kick every freggin day just because you are you, and God knows you inside and out... And than is enough!!!

ComPASSION

I was raised to give more that I get. I was taught to put others first. I think or rather I pray at some point we were all led in the direction of putting others before ourselves. I know that isn't always the case in this day in age. Somehow, somewhere selfishness creeps into all of us. The want to put ourself first and to take before releasing or reaching toward others has become the norm in our lifestyle. Look out for number one... Take care of your own or no one else will. I think we all have that in us, selfishness to the point of disregard of others. What I've come to embrace, and even more so now after the week I had last week, was that even though we all have that tendency, it shouldn't define us.  It shouldn't be allowed to glorify us as a society or as a person. We can hold tight to what we are taught and be example of our upbringing any time we want, and it feels so amazing to do so. We can rise above any hurt or 'lack of' to give back and show grace and mercy more that we show pride and self-centered actions. In doing that, in giving first I have learned the heartfelt lesson that it provides so much more, more than any prideful boast or lofty accolade could do.
It fills your heart with a fullness that could never be found by solely caring for yourself only.

I had the honor of taking a Vision/Mission trip with my company to the Dominican Republic this past week. The vision was for us to see first hand the Child Survival Programs through Compassion International that we {Mary&Martha Consultants} sponsor. The mission was to open our hearts and eyes to the children and mothers at risk within some of the most rural and dangerous towns in the DR. Not only were are hearts opened, they were broken by what we saw. We wept for those who could not care for themselves, and reached out to the littlest of the little to share some form of compassion for what they've endured. But along the way we all realized it wasn't our sorrow they wanted or asked for, it was our smiles and love. Compassion in this amazing culture isn't pity, it's celebration. It's joyful pride in their community, their family. It is found in what they have and how far they have come, together... Not alone. They rejoice with one another and for one another, lifting each person up so that the community as a whole moves forward. We shared who we were together and found we weren't all that different from one another. We love our families. We adore a God who blesses us beyond measure. Ultimately I realized that we all want to connect, to share ourselves so that we are forever bonded in the compassion of God's love.
They taught me that...

Give and you will receive. Bless and you will be blessed. Show compassion and a deeper compassion  will grown within yourself that you never knew existed. Share and you will be shown love ten times over. I may be home now, but a part of my heart remains there amongst the mothers and babies because it belongs there. Just as a part of them now resides here with me, we have a bond.
True compassion doesn't stop. It does not need to be seen or even heard to have it grow. All that is needed is the love shared through our God to remain together, to keep compassion going.

{If anyone would like more information on how to partner with my Mary&Martha sisters to help fund a Child Survival Program, I'd be beyond happy to connect with you. Comment below.

I will get in touch.}