Thursday, September 26, 2013


I struggle. I doubt and worry and fret and stress... I struggle. I struggle to feel good enough and yet shy away from accolades or compliments when they are given. I struggle to quiet the stream of senseless chatter in my head throughout my day.... Will I have time for this? What do you think they meant by that? Am I going to be late? Why did I add that to my day? Should I have said that? How am I going to get all of this done? I Struggle. Being alone with myself can be 9 times out of 10 gloriously peaceful, but that 10th time can overshadow all of the other 9 with the amount of over thinking and over planning that takes place. I struggle with wanting things perfect but don't know what perfect is or looks like. I struggle with wanting to do it all (perfectly) and come down harder on myself than anyone could guess when I fall short. Falling short to standards no one put on me but me. I Struggle. I worry about what others think even if they have assured me that my acceptance is a given. I struggle with being enough for myself. Even though I may shy away from praise, I yearn for it but fail to ever give it to myself. I Struggle. Fear seeps in and tells me that I am the only person that thinks this way. Yet I know that I am not alone, but being told time and time again we all have feelings of doubt does nothing to help my struggle lessen. I don't embrace the company that comes with knowing everyone feels this way. I Struggle.
I saw this sign the other day at our son's school. It was in the copy room hanging on the inside of the door. It gave me pause. It brought forth the laundry list of all my worries, stresses, short comings, failures.... It made me think of my struggles. Not in a bad way, but in a way that turned a light on inside my heart as a reminder. We all struggle. We all need something. We all fall short and forget to pick ourselves back up. For most of my life I thought your sum total was made up of all your errors and the successes in your life were only there as a way to pay penance for all the wrong you caused or did or took part in. A pretty backward way of thinking, don't you think? Walking around only doing good to pay for the bad. Feeling like the struggle always overshadowed the peace and happiness in life. Call it Grace or sheer Will to do better, I don't think that way anymore. Yes, I still struggle. I still fail and doubt my goodness, but I feel submerged in a place of peace. Every day I 'take what I need' by feeding my soul with goodness. When I doubt I read scripture or find quotes to reaffirm my faith. When I fear the worst in life I journal the goodness that surrounds me. When I second guess myself or those around me I listen to music to set a different beat in my mind. When I struggle I can hear Him say to me... 'Take what you need, I am here to give it to you'. I didn't always hear God's words in this way. It took a long time to reteach myself that His Grace is there first and always, not because you did enough good deeds to earn it but because he promised it would be. I struggle but He struggles with me. I doubt and He reassures me. I fail and He gives me another chance. I fear and He calms me. All I had to learn to do was 'take what I needed'.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


Right now rest is not something that comes easy around our casa. It is elusive and fleeting. Rest is often fought over and whined about but much needed and begged for by some. How we rest is different for each one of us, even our big girl/beast/dog Dehaya rests in her own special way. Our Little Man rests with a fit, sitting still for him is a wish worst than strep throat. Yet our Big Boy seeks out quiet time at every turn, time to be alone and play has always been his 'thing'... yes even at 10 years old he still has the best and most creative play sessions with his 'guys' that I have ever witnessed!! My hubs and I are the beggars of rest. We grab little slivers of peace when we can at 5 am in the darkness of the living room, watching a quick 'Modern Family' episode at 10pm when the boys have finally drifted off to sleep, in the car, in the bathroom (yes... I said the bathroom), and the most yummiest of times on the weekend when we trade off quick naps with a high five and a 'Tag Out... It's Your Turn' shout out!!!
I have learned in the 10 years of being a Momma, the 13 years of being a Wife and the 37 years of being Me that everyone rests differently and it's OK! I can't force my little one to fall asleep quickly and getting angry only makes the fight to sleep longer. I can't will my big one to take a nap (even though naps are awesome and he will search them out when he is my age), so I have to embrace the hour long quiet play session in his room instead. The push and pull I feel inside when I want to sit and read knowing the bathroom stinks like a boy and there is dog hair all over the entry way is just engrained in me.  It's how I'm made, often times I do find rest and peace while milling about the house. But I still have to find and seek out true rest... Actual down time, stillness, even if it's forced stillness. We all have to give and get rest. It may look different to each of us... Some having the same quiet moment each morning drinking coffee and reading, or others rushing around while silently whispering prayers within their thoughts, and others catching a moment of peace in the stillness of a quiet house at night time folding laundry or watching TV. Each and every one equates to rest....
{Yes... that is me, in the hotel bathroom during a family holiday vaca... I'll admit it!}

Without rest we grow weary. We forget what is important and overlook the 'special' in our moments. Without rest I become frazzled and lose focus. When I hurry through my days and pass up myself and neglect 'me' time I turn to negativity and worries more than happiness and feelings of content. And it's ok to ask for 'me' time. I've found (through lots of trial and error) it doesn't make you selfish at all, actually neglecting time to yourself is what leads to selfish thoughts of frustration, anger and resentfulness!!! Time to reflect, to refuel, to reboot, and recharge... it's what we need to draw closer to ourselves and more importantly to God. He begs us to rest. He commands us to honor the Sabbath. More than not He allows us time to just be with him throughout our day, but if we don't take advantage of that moment even if it's 5 minutes behind a closed bathroom door, we are all left wanting. So today... take moment, pause longer than you think you should, allow extra play time, and soak in the peace of rest. We might not all rest the same, but we all need it and don't allow it enough in our day to day interactions. We worry it away for fear of being lazy. We talk ourselves out of it for the need to get that one last thing accomplished. And yes, admit it... We deny it to ourselves and others out of selfish and envious reasoning at times... 'We have too much to do... I've been working all day... Why should he or she get to watch TV while I do laundry or leave for work early?!?!' We have all been there!!! 
So here is my proof positive, promise to myself today and tomorrow and always... Even if I have to close my eyes for 2.5 seconds of rest while our boys begin a staring contest at 8:45 pm when they are supposed to be relaxing and saying prayers, I am still chalking it up to time well spent and rest given and taken as needed!! 
How are you going to rest today?? 

Let us then do our best to receive that rest, so that no one of us will fail as they did because of their lack of faith...
Hebrews 4:11 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest... Matthew 11

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Comings and Goings

The last 3 weeks to a month are a blur. A fuzzy montage of all too much going on and way too much coming at us. So to wrap it all into one post, I decided to give you a glimpse into our last 3 weeks in the same quick way it seemed to come and go at us...

New Kitchen Face Lift!
Hello Yellow!!
Back to School... 
Who's more excited?? Me or the boys?!!?
Soccer, Soccer and More Soccer... 
2 Academy teams and 2 Rec teams between these 2 boys!
Missing the beach and our time with Friends and each other (sans kids)!!
This boy turning 10... 
 Welcome to the world of your kid having an iTouch...
Who said I was ready for pre-teenagey stuff!?!?
Training for my first Half Marathon... 
Didn't go as planned but going to give it my best this Saturday!!!
New Bathroom for the boys!
Little touches make a big difference!!

For now, that's all I've got! 
I am sure I am leaving off a lot and missing more than I know!!
Here's to the next month and hopefully a less stressful pace but just as many blessings...